This is it

There are certain milestones we pass that mark our progression into the following stage of our life; whatever that stage may be.  Today, during a phone conversation with my bank manager, it occurred to me that this is it!  My milestone moment from adolescence into adulthood.  We were talking of finalising our buyer's contract for the apartment in Midtown that Will and I have found - at long last - and all of the fees, paperwork and legal issues associated; all very grown up stuff, (that was only very slightly over my head). 

But owning a home for the very first time is a grown up thing to do.  I've officially welcomed adulthood and with it, words like "mortgage," "tax reimbursement," "resale," "lease option" and "ombudsman" into my life, which does make me a little sad for the irresponsible adolescent within whom I've had to (also officially) farewell.

It is ironic that this farewell coincides with my rediscovery of rock & roll; for try as I might - I have begrudgingly realised that I am far from the angry, emotional mess I was, not five years ago, when I could stand to listen to it for more than an hour a day!  I have grown and I am happy with the trade-off to have become Lena: wife, writer, poet; calm, collected, dexterous; woman, homeowner; but, the latter has me feeling like a wild bird that has been caged for the first time, flapping my wings frantically and lamenting lost freedom. 

It's different for Will, who's owned an entire house before - not just an apartment in the city - but an ancient house that he lovingly renovated; a house associated with another first in his life that he did not share with me.  In many ways, my husband hit adulthood long before he'd even met me; and has patiently waited for this free-spirited, carefree yet unsure girl within me to catch up with him.  Since it's been nothing at all to date for me to simply 'up and leave'  or restart my life at beckoned call - somehow owning a home is very grounding.  It's an experience that's making me feel tied down, which is a new sensation within me; one that I'm having mixed emotions about.  On one hand: it's about time to have a 'home'.  On the other, I fret for our unrealised plans; like living in Europe or exploring the world.  Things that seem easier without an accumulation of possessions or a 'mortgage'.  Marrying Will was not scary at all compared to this.  He was the best man I'd ever met and perfect in every way.  No doubts.  Period.  Yet this milestone, somehow underlines words like housewife, mother, cook - all insecurities within me for the new role I'm taking on. 

I know it sounds so silly!  Since living together for two and a half years, our arrangements and dynamics are long established; yet, the unsettled nature of our immediate plans, together with renting and having undefined long term goals, somehow relieved the pressure.  I'd say things like: 'when we get a home, I want to paint the walls this way' and 'we can do this' or 'we should buy that', even 'I'll start cooking Russian food:' implying that I didn't have to worry about any of it until such time as we get a home.  Now I wonder - has the time come?  Is this the future we didn't plan for?  Are we ready to really settle down?  Become grounded?  Have kids?  Bid adieu to our free spirit and spontaneity?  And actually (I wonder the most), will I fail at everything? 

I wonder if this crossroad between logic and emotion is the typical experience when one transitions into adulthood...  Will's told me that he was terrified when he bought his first house too, so maybe I'm not alone in my constant mood shifts from excitement to panic - which I'm hoping will abate soon!  

Regardless of my moods, I know my prologue is wrapping up.  Upon our contract close, chapter 1 of my adult mini-series begins - and with my new job that actually pays at regular intervals: I'm in good shape to play the part.  Will says that nothing has to change, but either way: we've taken the plunge now so this is it!  No going back.