to feel the rhythm of life...

Staind's once played-non-stop classic hit "it's been a while" came on the radio today.  I realised that I either hadn't heard or had intentionally avoided it for five years straight and I was blown away by the miraculous effect it had on me!  As if by a time machine, I felt physically lifted from where I was standing - without even closing my eyes - to my first ever trip to Rockhampton in 2005 with Dan; when he drove me out to meet his dad on the farm that he was living on at the time.

As I began to remember everything and feel exactly what I had back then, it dawned on me somewhere in my subconscious mind: that the emotions attached to hearing an old song have the power to invoke every sense. I could hear the ridiculously loud motor noise of his 180SX and his voice lightly signing along with an implication towards me in the tone; and I could smell Dan's "LYNX" cologne mingled with the ever present smell of cigarettes.  Every detail of the trip replayed in my head like a photo-reel: the arrival, the farm animals, shooting a gun for my first time, Hungry Jacks for dinner and that glorious night sky... to this day the most amazing I have seen: a completely unobstructed and vivid view of the entire milky way with a slight greenish tint surrounding it, with stars as bright and far as the eye could see!

It was quite shocking how easily things that I hadn't thought about in years poured over me when I heard this song; like a massive and heavy wave that was preventing me from breathing and almost suffocating me; until the song was over and I was suddenly back in my kitchen with Baxter at my feet, looking curiously up at me while the radio announcer yapped on about the upcoming and one night only Staind concert in a few weeks time down the street. This hypnosis-like phenomenon sparked a revelation within me that I was determined to prove again as I ripped out my old Staind, Pearl Jam, Tool and Drowning Pool albums and listened to them one by one.

Although not as powerful as that initial shocking encounter with Aaron Lewis' voice in the kitchen - the hypnosis affect was definitely (albeit vaguely) present throughout each song! I somehow remembered every lyric, every pause and even every instrumental feature.  It felt awesome!  Like catching up with the best friends that I've ever had, who I haven't heard from in years, but bumped into to find that we're still as close as ever!  I feel like Staind grew with me at the same time I did.  From the first albums "Tormented" and "Dysfunction" that were as heavy, hateful and angry as I was at the time, to "The illusion of progress" in 2008 which was self-accepting, forgiving and in love.  I often felt the lyrics were written specifically for and about me.  "Believe" reduced me to tears tonight just like it did the first time I'd ever heard it.  I remember desperately needing a confidence boost at that point in my life when I felt truly alone and broken, and BEHOLD: there it was in the lyrical genius of one of my musical idols.

Despite their lyrical relevance, my best friends (fav bands) during high school were so heavy that I hid them from my parents and sometimes even my brother.  I remember begging dad for a discman to be able to listen to my beloved death metal free of criticism from my family or my mother's fear for the damnation of my soul.  I had to hide album covers, especially Tool and A Perfect Circle who adorned witch craft symbols and Slipknot and Korn, whose covers were just weird.  And in the off chance I was caught, I fiercely defended my best friends by justifying their lyrics or life experiences that had made them so angry!  I'll never forget justifying Slipknot's self titled album cover that mum found in my room: (it seems so funny now, yet I was actually afraid she'd take it away from me for good!... I told her:) "they aren't insane or devil worshipers!  They're famous and protecting their identities! Their music is very profound, people = shit is a great message!"  LOL

Although me and my musical taste have both mellowed out over the past 1/2 decade, I have really enjoyed getting reacquainted with my best friends, who I abandoned, but who utterly got me through high school; by comforting me, always being by my side and reminding me that I'm not alone in my loneliness, fears, pain and hardship. Now that I'm a "woman" who's happily married and comfortable with who I am, it's ironic to hear songs associated with past torment, insecurity and heartache.  Everything was a tragedy back then - complete life and death scenario - yet the parents were right in saying it was always a learning curve.

Staind's "Tangled up in you" used to mean something entirely different to me and was in reference to the off again, on again experience with Dan that lasted 8 years of my life.  I felt it a little jolt of it as I heard it for the first time tonight, yet as I lay soaking in the tub and really listening to the lyrics, I thought of Will and I:  how we're in such a great place in our life together - fully trusting, completely happy. ...How he's off tonight in Illinois celebrating Veteran's day his mates and fellow Veterans, and how I'm happy that he's having fun, yet missing him dreadfully and wishing he was home.  These thoughts lead to thoughts of another song called "God bless the broken road" by the Rascal Flats.  It was our wedding song and it talks of broken relationships that lead to our finding each other.  I really have gone soft.