Box of Memories

Will's aunt is putting her house on the market and has been cleaning it out little by little, getting rid of all the things she won't need, including Will's battle-scarred, childhood chest that he brought home a few days ago.  

I spent some of my day off work today cleaning and polishing it up, preparing it for its new role as storage space for our spare bedding. As I wiped and waxed, I couldn't help picturing my husband as a kid; energetic, loud and rough with the world at his feet and all the potential in the world.  I wonder if he is happy with the way his life turned out... of course if I asked him he would say that he is, but I wonder if he ever thought his life would turn out the way it has? 

Did he ever imagine that he would become a travelling salesman like his father, when he was a boy crying with frustration that his daddy was never home, stuffing this chest with toys?  Or when he got to high school and begun filling it with sports memorabilia, trophies, jerseys and collective cards?  Did he think he would be so settled down when he became even older and his chest became a storage unit for letters, photos and records of his achievements in the Marine Corps? 

I wonder if he thinks that his life has become so predictable and whether he is content with the decisions he has made that have got him to this place in his life... or if he still yearns for more? Like his toy chest that watched him evolve over his lifetime, holding so much within; now standing rather pathetically at the foot of our bed storing pillows, sheets and blankets.

A spring in my step

November went by in a hurried daze as I put my "nose down and bum up" working to attain a promotion, prepare for Christmas and pack up our apartment.  Upon receiving the news today that I have in fact received said promotion, things seem to have slowed down and I'm feeling happy and at peace with where I'm at.

 The accumulation of my decisions that have paid off are making me pleased with my reflection as I smile at myself in the mirror.  Those small changes I made weeks ago (like cutting carbs or switching to baby skin care products for the winter months) and those bigger and more recent ones (like our brand new apartment in Midtown and my promotion at work)...  have amounted to a spring in my step and an eager anticipation of the season's festivities.

 In my little family this is the busiest time of the year; it starts with Will's birthday on Saturday, then Christmas, then our wedding anniversary (which will be our second this year) and wrapped up with New Years Eve.  This year, however, we will be adding: work promotion and housewarming to the party list. 

I feel like the knowledge I've gained about the Law of Attraction this year should be celebrated too. It is absolutely the most valuable gift I could ever have received and has, without question, changed my life.  I remember how bleak my life seemed last Christmas; as I questioned my move, my life, future, career and well everything.  I never imagined how simple it would be to change my life through just thinking positive and trusting blindly.  I now sit smiling as I realise such a weight is lifted off my shoulders with God's words from the bible ringing in my ears: "Ask, believe and you shall receive."  My life has become proof of this very thing and I am grateful for everyone I meet, every experience I have and all of my amazing friends and family.  Merry Christmas xo

This is it

There are certain milestones we pass that mark our progression into the following stage of our life; whatever that stage may be.  Today, during a phone conversation with my bank manager, it occurred to me that this is it!  My milestone moment from adolescence into adulthood.  We were talking of finalising our buyer's contract for the apartment in Midtown that Will and I have found - at long last - and all of the fees, paperwork and legal issues associated; all very grown up stuff, (that was only very slightly over my head). 

But owning a home for the very first time is a grown up thing to do.  I've officially welcomed adulthood and with it, words like "mortgage," "tax reimbursement," "resale," "lease option" and "ombudsman" into my life, which does make me a little sad for the irresponsible adolescent within whom I've had to (also officially) farewell.

It is ironic that this farewell coincides with my rediscovery of rock & roll; for try as I might - I have begrudgingly realised that I am far from the angry, emotional mess I was, not five years ago, when I could stand to listen to it for more than an hour a day!  I have grown and I am happy with the trade-off to have become Lena: wife, writer, poet; calm, collected, dexterous; woman, homeowner; but, the latter has me feeling like a wild bird that has been caged for the first time, flapping my wings frantically and lamenting lost freedom. 

It's different for Will, who's owned an entire house before - not just an apartment in the city - but an ancient house that he lovingly renovated; a house associated with another first in his life that he did not share with me.  In many ways, my husband hit adulthood long before he'd even met me; and has patiently waited for this free-spirited, carefree yet unsure girl within me to catch up with him.  Since it's been nothing at all to date for me to simply 'up and leave'  or restart my life at beckoned call - somehow owning a home is very grounding.  It's an experience that's making me feel tied down, which is a new sensation within me; one that I'm having mixed emotions about.  On one hand: it's about time to have a 'home'.  On the other, I fret for our unrealised plans; like living in Europe or exploring the world.  Things that seem easier without an accumulation of possessions or a 'mortgage'.  Marrying Will was not scary at all compared to this.  He was the best man I'd ever met and perfect in every way.  No doubts.  Period.  Yet this milestone, somehow underlines words like housewife, mother, cook - all insecurities within me for the new role I'm taking on. 

I know it sounds so silly!  Since living together for two and a half years, our arrangements and dynamics are long established; yet, the unsettled nature of our immediate plans, together with renting and having undefined long term goals, somehow relieved the pressure.  I'd say things like: 'when we get a home, I want to paint the walls this way' and 'we can do this' or 'we should buy that', even 'I'll start cooking Russian food:' implying that I didn't have to worry about any of it until such time as we get a home.  Now I wonder - has the time come?  Is this the future we didn't plan for?  Are we ready to really settle down?  Become grounded?  Have kids?  Bid adieu to our free spirit and spontaneity?  And actually (I wonder the most), will I fail at everything? 

I wonder if this crossroad between logic and emotion is the typical experience when one transitions into adulthood...  Will's told me that he was terrified when he bought his first house too, so maybe I'm not alone in my constant mood shifts from excitement to panic - which I'm hoping will abate soon!  

Regardless of my moods, I know my prologue is wrapping up.  Upon our contract close, chapter 1 of my adult mini-series begins - and with my new job that actually pays at regular intervals: I'm in good shape to play the part.  Will says that nothing has to change, but either way: we've taken the plunge now so this is it!  No going back. 

to feel the rhythm of life...

Staind's once played-non-stop classic hit "it's been a while" came on the radio today.  I realised that I either hadn't heard or had intentionally avoided it for five years straight and I was blown away by the miraculous effect it had on me!  As if by a time machine, I felt physically lifted from where I was standing - without even closing my eyes - to my first ever trip to Rockhampton in 2005 with Dan; when he drove me out to meet his dad on the farm that he was living on at the time.

As I began to remember everything and feel exactly what I had back then, it dawned on me somewhere in my subconscious mind: that the emotions attached to hearing an old song have the power to invoke every sense. I could hear the ridiculously loud motor noise of his 180SX and his voice lightly signing along with an implication towards me in the tone; and I could smell Dan's "LYNX" cologne mingled with the ever present smell of cigarettes.  Every detail of the trip replayed in my head like a photo-reel: the arrival, the farm animals, shooting a gun for my first time, Hungry Jacks for dinner and that glorious night sky... to this day the most amazing I have seen: a completely unobstructed and vivid view of the entire milky way with a slight greenish tint surrounding it, with stars as bright and far as the eye could see!

It was quite shocking how easily things that I hadn't thought about in years poured over me when I heard this song; like a massive and heavy wave that was preventing me from breathing and almost suffocating me; until the song was over and I was suddenly back in my kitchen with Baxter at my feet, looking curiously up at me while the radio announcer yapped on about the upcoming and one night only Staind concert in a few weeks time down the street. This hypnosis-like phenomenon sparked a revelation within me that I was determined to prove again as I ripped out my old Staind, Pearl Jam, Tool and Drowning Pool albums and listened to them one by one.

Although not as powerful as that initial shocking encounter with Aaron Lewis' voice in the kitchen - the hypnosis affect was definitely (albeit vaguely) present throughout each song! I somehow remembered every lyric, every pause and even every instrumental feature.  It felt awesome!  Like catching up with the best friends that I've ever had, who I haven't heard from in years, but bumped into to find that we're still as close as ever!  I feel like Staind grew with me at the same time I did.  From the first albums "Tormented" and "Dysfunction" that were as heavy, hateful and angry as I was at the time, to "The illusion of progress" in 2008 which was self-accepting, forgiving and in love.  I often felt the lyrics were written specifically for and about me.  "Believe" reduced me to tears tonight just like it did the first time I'd ever heard it.  I remember desperately needing a confidence boost at that point in my life when I felt truly alone and broken, and BEHOLD: there it was in the lyrical genius of one of my musical idols.

Despite their lyrical relevance, my best friends (fav bands) during high school were so heavy that I hid them from my parents and sometimes even my brother.  I remember begging dad for a discman to be able to listen to my beloved death metal free of criticism from my family or my mother's fear for the damnation of my soul.  I had to hide album covers, especially Tool and A Perfect Circle who adorned witch craft symbols and Slipknot and Korn, whose covers were just weird.  And in the off chance I was caught, I fiercely defended my best friends by justifying their lyrics or life experiences that had made them so angry!  I'll never forget justifying Slipknot's self titled album cover that mum found in my room: (it seems so funny now, yet I was actually afraid she'd take it away from me for good!... I told her:) "they aren't insane or devil worshipers!  They're famous and protecting their identities! Their music is very profound, people = shit is a great message!"  LOL

Although me and my musical taste have both mellowed out over the past 1/2 decade, I have really enjoyed getting reacquainted with my best friends, who I abandoned, but who utterly got me through high school; by comforting me, always being by my side and reminding me that I'm not alone in my loneliness, fears, pain and hardship. Now that I'm a "woman" who's happily married and comfortable with who I am, it's ironic to hear songs associated with past torment, insecurity and heartache.  Everything was a tragedy back then - complete life and death scenario - yet the parents were right in saying it was always a learning curve.

Staind's "Tangled up in you" used to mean something entirely different to me and was in reference to the off again, on again experience with Dan that lasted 8 years of my life.  I felt it a little jolt of it as I heard it for the first time tonight, yet as I lay soaking in the tub and really listening to the lyrics, I thought of Will and I:  how we're in such a great place in our life together - fully trusting, completely happy. ...How he's off tonight in Illinois celebrating Veteran's day his mates and fellow Veterans, and how I'm happy that he's having fun, yet missing him dreadfully and wishing he was home.  These thoughts lead to thoughts of another song called "God bless the broken road" by the Rascal Flats.  It was our wedding song and it talks of broken relationships that lead to our finding each other.  I really have gone soft.

Failing

There really is something to be said for just feeling healthy!  I am so aware right now of how blessed I am and how grateful I should be for simply feeling good or functional most of the time!  Today I am sore literally all over - not like how people say that when they're exaggerating or complaining, but really! - my hands hurt, my head is splitting, my stomach, back, legs and feet!  If that's not all over then I don't know what is.

The reason I'm so sore is the same reason I've been such a recluse lately. My last post was almost two weeks ago and that was probably the last moment I had to just sit by myself and relax with a cuppa [that means cup of tea/ coffee to anyone who's not Aussie] while updating my blog. 

Ever since the last week of October, I have not stopped or slowed down for one second!  With so much going on, I need to make a list just to keep track of it all myself:

1. As soon as we got home I had to start catching up on 3 weeks worth of dirty laundry - which was no mean feat by the way.  Will kept finding his dirty clothes in random places, like his office or the car, and adding to the pile daily!
2. While our landlord has graciously allowed us to stay on indefinitely; our lease is now on borrowed time and we have been frantically searching for apartments in Midtown to move to.  That has meant perusing countless websites, meeting agents, trying to find the right one and visiting what feels like a hundred different properties in person.  This week is ultra stressful with me working and Will being out of town again!
3. This week was in fact the start of my new job in fashion retail (and everything that comes with that - shopping for new shoes, clothes, reading induction manuals 1,000 pages long!). The hours have suprisingly turned out to be insane!  With an 'open shift' commencing at 8am, even though the store doesn't open until 10, and a 'close shift' ending at 11pm!! Even though the store closes at 9.  It's physically tough to transition from a job where I sat all day writing, to one where I'm lifting heavy things and running or standing all day long. (Hence the current aches and pains).
4. On top of this, I've been desperately clasping at any free time to wrap up lingering writing assignments
5. And to touch base with colleagues, friends and family in both Australia and Atlanta, so as to not offend anyone - but I feel like I'm failing miserably and letting people down left, right and centre!

All of this while dealing with a sore throat, temperamental fever and blocked nose!  I know it's not very Bourgeois of me, but I wish I could just lay down and be sick! 

PS:  Pumpkin status update:  I've stayed true to my word and tried everything pumpkin I could get my hands around.  Now I've stopped due to an expanding waistline and certain outfits no longer getting around me!  Pumpkin bread has turned out to be my favourite and I find I prefer the savoury pumpkin stuff; since everything sweet has 'pumpkin spice' added to it which is kind of a nutmeg/ cinnamon fusion that I find over-bearing after a while.

PPS:  The colours of autumn are well and truly surrounding the city and as soon as I get some time to myself, I will take to the streets - camera in hand - and take some pics of the multi coloured slendor